Author: Karilen Mays

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I still am sitting with disbelief in some moments about Tony Hsieh dying. Saturday morning I got a text message with a news article saying he had died while visiting family. The stories and tributes from admiring fans and loved ones flood the internet, full of articulate and heartfelt memories and appreciation. It was and is unbelievable. I keep hoping I will wake up and figure it out somehow, and find myself back in Tony’s presence spontaneously dancing or doing whatever antics he’d bring. Even with his name in the subject of the Forbes email in my inbox today, a part of me wonders at times when and if I will wake up from this nightmare. I can’t help it. I guess denial is part of grief, so it makes sense.

The nightmare is that a larger than life friend to many has been abruptly taken by death in a tragic accident. Death is easier to accept and cope with when it is abstract. Then when it hits close to home, it takes our life, plans, and sense of reality and changes it. This has felt like a punch in the throat/heart/stomach.

Many others have been closer to Tony for longer. He was a friend to me. I met him when Zappos and Downtown Project were clients. We hit it off pretty quickly.

Nervous to facilitate the chief executive of our key client, I was trying my best and outside of my comfort zone, learning about startups, fashion, and more about business in general. Early on Tony invited and tried to convince me to move to Vegas. I did not have a good excuse and he spread rumors that I was moving and brought it up in meetings to talk about it and put me on the spot. He was unrelenting when he had a vision.

A bit later in our friendship I might text him how you doing or thinking of you. Come to Vegas he would say. Or when are you coming to Fergusons? I would think about when I could make the next trip…and why I was not there now. His efforts at including me in outings, connecting with new people, and family style meals were consistent, as I would visit and connect with old friends from prior visits and other visitors in my temporary cohort. I would often extend my trip. I took time off and didn’t know what to do and he told me Come to Vegas. I did. I was so glad.

There were animals and often a family atmosphere. We would walk around and check in and say hi to people and the chickens or Marley or whatever in the time available. Even if Tony wasn’t around I would spend time with his friends, whoever else was around, and of course Marley and Blizzie. Tony was so warm and concerned with people’s needs and well-being. I saw him always feeding people, and often making soup. I would text him after I landed and was on the way to the trailer park or before that to his apartment. There is soup. Or pizza’s here. Help yourself he would say.

One time I had a migraine and he picked me up with his bus and asked if I needed anything so I could come to the Zappos company party. I was going to stay in my trailer and rest. He convinced me I could rest and hydrate on the bus, and I got dressed and went. A group of people was on the bus as this happened.

The last exchange we really had was typical Tony, wondering how I was doing and trying to help. It started from an accidental group text from him to his house keeper, so I had to respond and then we got into a conversation. Tell me your passions work and non work and I will brainstorm ways we can work together, he texted. We hadn’t spoken in more than a year, but that did not matter. He was ever supportive. I worked on the passions and sent them to him.

When we weren’t playing around or connecting, it felt like we were debating. I learned to understand this is how he loved. This is how he cared. It hurts so much to think that we won’t be together again in this life. No more texts instructing me to come to a place at a time not knowing anything else or late night jams or llama bus cigarettes. It feels overwhelming and impossible to articulate what his life and friendship meant even if I had not visited him for a while. He will always be an unlikely and special friend. A complete surprise. May his spirit live on in the best possible way.

I am continuing to remember and celebrate Tony, and learn from our short dance together. Here are a few things which he taught me.

1. Be yourself. There is no other you. The world needs You. Tony went out of his way to encourage and support me and many other people. And the world needs you now.
2. Share what you have. Whether it is your attention, your home, or a meal, share what you have. Tony was always offering resources, hosting, and sharing. Sharing creates more connection. I met friends I never would have made if it were not for all Tony shared.
3. Play. There were puns. Magic. Dancing. Every day. As adults we often overlook this need.
4. Stay focused on you priorities. Tony was always focused on whatever his priority was, often connection, an event, or orchestrating multiple meetups.
5. Learn. Tony was always sharing whether it was an app that helped him or taking square pictures on the iPhone or how he was structuring his day or what he was reading.

So grateful to have had the honor. Rest in peace friend.

Do or do not. There is no try.

-Yoda, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Many people recognize this quote from Yoda when he speaks to Luke as his ship sinks in a swamp. What do you think and feel about the well-known Yoda quote?

Though beloved by many, Yoda is only a fictional character. We still have to think, pray, and decide for ourselves. It may not be obvious at times what is ours to try on and what is not.

For a long time, I have thought about this movie quote. I find it easy to misuse the advice, so it isn’t always supportive. In fact, it may rarely be supportive. Let me explain…

The first time I remember seeing and thinking about the quote was in my 9th grade Government class. Our wonderfully engaging teacher, Mr. Croft, wrote it on the board before class. I don’t remember why he wrote it there. I remember a heated (for 14-year-olds) discussion on it. For years I thought of the one-liner as a motivational statement. The saying feels similar to Just do it! On the surface, it seems good. The quote, like listening to Eye of the Tiger, helped me get my head in the game.

20 years or so ago, the saying started to bother me, and then even more in recent years as I came to value God and other ‘things’ like presence and being more, it just didn’t resonate. Similarly, what I learned about neural pathways did not add up with this advice. Now I also live in a regular state of mystery, often not knowing what I will or won’t do until it happens. The quote doesn’t apply much of the time.

For Yoda and Luke, there was an immediate situation that needed action, and waiting meant failure. There was no time for trying, learning, and failing.

Emergencies or life and death situations, like what first responders regularly encounter, or other urgent situations call for this advice. Sometimes we only get one shot. We have to give it our all. I realize that sometimes we only get that one shot, so we need to put our whole heart and self into it. Waiting means we miss the chance to act, and the moment passes us by.

For the most part, trying and learning enriches us and those around us. Trying requires some openness to failure and ambiguity. Ideally, we are trying things and learning when it is not an emergency.

This year I started drawing to pass the time in a quiet way when the coronavirus took over our schedules and I was quite lonely. I had no idea if it would work since at almost 40 years old I have never really drawn, much less how well it would work.

Don’t get me wrong; learning is not always easy and fun. Sometimes it is necessary though. Sometimes we unlearn, relearn, or start over in life and learn something new. What else are we here for?

I stand for learning. I like trying. I also support not doing and not trying if that is best for someone.
If I only did what I knew I could absolutely do, and there was no option for imperfectly trying, I would not even write this post.
I would not have pursued my last career or attempted many of the things in my life, which have all led to knowing amazing individuals. When I am in a spirit to just try rather than do versus do not, life feels better for me.

Besides, neuroscience research on the brain and learning grows all the time. It teaches us that we can change and learn, and this depends on neural pathways. So there is no do or do not. We try! And with support come the neural pathways and learning or changing.

We don’t know what is happening or what will come. So we have to try. In fact, some of the answers are not found in doing at all.

How can we rise to challenges, despite this not knowing?
How can we be creative in our lives?
What is our work at a given time in our life?

So how about it?

Do you try, or only do or do not?

Do you try to be a kind person?

Even trying to do some things (like be a good person) can make a big difference.

I want to say again, I am for trying. I am for accepting failures as part of life. I am for learning.