Category: Uncategorized

Some years ago I worked with a friend who had a routine he called Start, Stop, Continue…and we would go through our projects and decide. I believe it came from some software team practice. At times I would take everything I would be doing or thinking of doing and run it through these filters.

Now at one point just with my work alone at HolacracyOne, my old company, I had like 3 dozen roles or so, and had more projects than I could manage. I used every tool I had and then some to chunk it down, focus, prioritize, outsource, manage expectations, protect my sanity, and more. Getting Things Done (GTD) has been a lifesaver for many reasons.

Most people, myself included have around 100 or so outcomes we are working toward at any given time. Only some of them are really clear and known to us. So we are often subconsciously working on all our stuff. By writing down our outcomes, our things to talk about with each other, and essentially tracking all the commitments we have made (to ourselves, since that is first and foremost what I commitment is) we can have headspace to be creative, be more reliable in our commitments, and even think more…about more projects, which are really anything from something like finally going on that trip with that special someone to publishing an article to starting a new career. It is just our life’s work, these projects. Work is simply a subset of our life.

Yet something happens when we then agree to get back to someone. Or have a conversation with someone and we both think we should again. Or we have a proposal out to a client and they aren’t responding. Or we have some challenges in our relationship or our work. We start seeing and feeling these open loops. These open loops are needing something. They need attention. They need a parking lot, a place holder. Or they keep wanting.

What happens when you can’t close an open loop? Sometimes a relationship has run its course. Sometimes our personal needs take us on a different path from our colleagues. Sometimes we simply don’t want to keep engaging in something that may not be worthy of our attention and effort, or worse, even harmful. Do we have to finish?

No more than we would be expected to clear our plate even if we are full should we need to finish something. Completing has become important. And that doesn’t always mean finishing. Sometimes it means pausing. Sometimes it is letting go. And sometimes it is leaving. If we can we can communicate something about this. I am not saying it is easy nor socially acceptable nor without cost to complete things in this way and not feel pressure to finish it in a prescribed way, within someone else’s terms, or at all. We find a way to complete or close these open loops for ourselves even if it is solely within ourselves and the rest of our lives. We needn’t actually ever go near the person, place, or thing that is an open-loop to complete it for ourselves.

 

More than one context of my life — health, relationships, work, finance, living situation, and more — have significantly changed over the past year. I have learned a lot, questioned a lot, and let go of a lot. In many ways, it feels like I am starting over. More accurately, it felt like I was born for the first time even though I have been alive for these years. It didn’t feel good at first. And I would like to share more about that, and the details of what has happened, and what I have learned. Hopefully, it will come. Now at 37, after stepping back from a career full of momentum and struggling to thrive and even survive at times, what matters has changed.  Even though I am not yet sure about what, I sense I could write a few books.

If you’ve ever had a situation happen that was very meaningful, either at once or over time, and you look back at your life and it is different than you once saw it or knew it, you may relate. My situation was more of a shock and what felt like a fight for survival. From an ego perspective, this is what is called a disorienting dilemma. This disorienting dilemma changes everything. (I have used the term disorienting dilemma to mean something that doesn’t fit into our view of ourself and our world for years, after learning of it by Terri OFallon and Susanne Cook-Greuter. Apparently, Jack Mezirow is actually to credit for this term, disorienting dilemma.) Telling any part of my story feels incomplete, and that there is something off. Something so off that the entirety of my life until now is being…re-seen. And there are these parts of self and the ensuing life parts that are still being seen, let go of, brought together, or in some cases not yet birthed…my life has a sort of pre-dawn quality to it and yet how do I stay in contact with the world, discover how my new sense of purpose manifests, and keep showing up, even with these disparate parts?

At one point “What do you do?” was a question that brought stuttering and stammering, pain, tears, awkwardness. I now realize that some of that is because of trauma symptoms which may or may not be about work, though I suspect feels worse because I cared about my work so much. Then I started accepting that it was okay to not know. I don’t have to explain it. For years I had the challenge of naming what I do adequately, whether to my grandma when I tried to explain this part-time contract or the customs agent at the airport, or someone at a party, or a person who wants to know what Holacracy is. Even being self-employed isn’t a familiar situation to many; they ask are you going to work today? No, are you unemployed? What’s your job? None of those questions have applied for a while.

Sometimes I say taking time off for mental health. I left my old company. I am a writer. I am self-employed. Yes, unemployed. In a career transition. Consultant. Or I am going through what some call a dark night of the soul — have you heard of that?

I do a lot of things. It’s hard to talk about sometimes. Also, I stopped working for HolacracyOne in 2018, and hadn’t been a part of the consulting team most of that entire year, and officially exited in May 2019 after deciding to in January. This is a whole other story, but the point is the main thing I did…I no longer identify with or do.

What is safe, and even better, feels right or good to work on has changed for me. What matters is who we are on a daily basis, whether we are with people who we see in a work context or somewhere else.I am exploring what to do. I have a lot of interests ranging from business stuff to learning, mindfulness, Getting Things Done, wellness, mental health, trauma, recovery, writing, holacracy, listening, dogging, and more. Work will never be the same for me.

So I am starting over. I wanted to simply write a brief update. And that was actually a big ending for me.  I haven’t known where to start, so I just started here. And it wasn’t the beginning. We can’t always start at the beginning. And we don’t always get to make a good ending, or any ending at all. We can always make a new start.

 

 

 

How is it that the blessings in our life are also the challenge?

This is playing out before me right now as I sit down to write. I am outside with the dogs, who seem to want me involved. I love these two girls, Maggie and Liv. Yet they seem to request a sort of moderation to their play, escalating to wrestling eventually if I don’t intervene. Plus they are really cute and I love playing with them, attuning to them, joining their world, and enriching their lives. Yet I wanted to write. So they are playing their game, or some version of it which involved possessing the ball and pulling up grass or chewing the ball, as the other waits patiently to go in for the ball or for me to “take it”…which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. Maggie’s mouth won’t release if you pull it; she tugs back. So she has to drop it. Liv will drop it less often but will let me pull it out of her mouth. It’s important to note these differences in interacting with them. Of all the things I could be doing, playing with dogs outside on a comfortably warm and breezy day is at the top of the list. I am counting my blessings.

Writing has been a whole unique process that has also felt difficult at times, especially when I have a long streak, though it isn’t always in my attention. I have written every day for over 300 days now, though I lost my streak the other day when I only wrote around 500 words. There were times when I was working to maintain my writing that it was really challenging; there were unexpected power and internet outages, travel, and other things. It became work at times to be able to do the writing, which required about 15 minutes online. Yet I did it, even without internet at home for a few weeks. I noticed how it would feel like a burden or a challenge, and question if I wanted to. Often it was no question; writing and the daily practice is so valuable for so many reasons.

This time when I lost my streak I had 247 days, which is my longest streak of writing 750words. I had undergone an unplanned root canal that day and felt spent in the worst way, that I had exhausted all my inner resources in getting through that experience…and then I was struggling to make it through my writing. I was self conscious as I typed as Liv groaned at me. It seemed loud. I was unable to come up with many words it seemed. I was writing about it all. It felt arduous. The pain medication kicked in and I was processing the day.

I went to bed, only to wake up in the early morning with the clarity that I had not finished my writing and thus lost my streak. That next day I wrote early in the day. I usually do. Now I’m at 8 days again. It’s truly humbling starting over. Yet I had to in this case; writing is one of my rocks, even though with the streak broken it felt like I now had nothing consistent in my life as a daily practice. To keep going and be faced with my small streak was hard and I was proud of how I handled it. Other times when I have inadvertently lost my streak I’ve felt it much more intensely.

Even positive things can be a mix; I am learning that is what life is as a human. Even a good day can be hard. Working toward something can take effort, which can bring a range of emotions or impacts. Triggers about the past can make things hard for one person that is not a thing for another. It’s good to be able to hold that perspective, and that it is okay to feel things. It doesnt mean I am a bad or negative person because something is hard or face a challenge or do something imperfectly — like publishing blog posts without a goal or strategy.

I thought I was going to write about something else. But this is what came. And I did play with dogs.

The fur that he is wearing is the fur that he prefers…

One of many insightful lyrics in this sweet and honest homage to the black bear, not just as a black bear, but in the season of his life, and as a metaphor for being with what is, as it is. The lyrics, the imagery, and the organ all weave together beautifully.

I first heard this many years ago, and unfortunately I don’t remember where. I was living in the Bellevue area and was in a new place, with a new job I knew would be very temporary, without knowing why, didn’t know anyone in the area.

I would have been 24 years old or so as I walked to work from where I would drive or bus to my job at a non profit organization, and listen to this and feel connected as I walked the past few steps to work, with the help of the black bear.

And when he thinks he is thoughtful

And when he rests he is restful

And when he runs he runs the fastest

And spins the earth right on its axis

And that’s his gift to all

Showing us the sun

Keeping time for everyone

A steady beating drum

 

You may have heard this song on the radio if you drive in your car. That is where I heard it. It is my first close listening to Cage the Elephant. At first the sounds, though original kind of remind me a little of Ratitat and Spoon. Though there is a transcendent quality even with the somber message.

Initially, even though it sounded like it was about a relationship, the upbeat pensive lysics spoke to me. About my life. I knew I had to share this. As I was contemplating my life as my work, our calling as people to be our messy selves, and appreciating the tiniest amount of space I wasn’t sure who it was.

Some of the themes mentioned felt like someone else had let go of relationship, important parts of life, and was ready to do it. I had to do research to figure out who it is.

Aside from the chorus, which is a universally relatable anthem:

“Never had control… I’m ready to let go…”

Other lyrics piqued my curiosity.

“Sun went down over Pompeii…”

…which I assumed was metaphorical or historical was actually written after a trip there as it became clear that a relationship was over.

Sometimes we keep thinking we will get back to something good or easier, resolve something, work things out together. We think we can overcome, make it through, or stick with it…even because we are committed, or we think we should be able to.

Yet we actually need to let go sometimes and move on. And sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it breaks us. And it takes step by step action and pausing and decisions to choose simply make it through… and then all of a sudden… I’m ready to let go.

 

 

 

 

 

It is to take a moment. Take time. Take as many moments as needed. This is okay.

Yet the title of this post contains a lie. I continue to not learn this, and that is why I am writing about it. I could say I have some experience and learning. This dynamic between wanting clarity, feeling fulfillment, coming to a resolution and needing to take time, to slow down, to give space is not going away.

When I drive the road that is 25 mph then I now enjoy going 25 mph. I have no need to go a little bit over; that is what the other way is for. Yet some drivers seem to think that it is a speed target, not a speed limit. Sometimes it seems like even my 25 mph driving is too slow for the rest of the world, aside from Liv the dog who seems to enjoy the slow road, with no need to hurry up and get somewhere else.

There can even be tax deadlines, business needs, or plans we make that seem to facilitate not taking our time. Yet we still can. Even if there can be consequences to taking time. There are also benefits. More seeing, more peace, more confidence. Or it was simply needed. To pause before acting or deciding.

When we are doing art, or learning, or teaching a child something we take our time. We create a space of presence. Nonjudgment. It’s okay if things don’t work. We can take our time to get it right.

What if we lead our lives like this? As if our life was our art work, and we are learning through, and taking our time.

Part two of this will be…examples in experiments from slowing down.

I write to see what is in my awareness, to think about things freely without judgment, to work through hard things, to imagine good things…freewriting and also giving permission to follow particular threads or topics has been a practice off and on since 2010.

Today I have 100 days of writing on 750words.com for at least the second time ever, though I think it has been a few years, and maybe sine 2010. One day in October I did not finish my writing, though since the end of September I have written every day. This is telling. There is something working well with this. Some months earlier in 2018 I only completed some days even though I had some streaks of over a month too. But looking back in 2017, there were many more days that year I did not write at all on the site, though I was keeping a journal. So this yearly perspective is valuable; when some other metrics or life situation parts are less inspiring to see.

Writing is one of the most consistent things in my life. Recently there have been a few days where it was the end of the day and I still had not done my writing, around 8 or even n10 pm. This is rare since I often to it first thing.

Between not having internet, getting sick, and having a dog that decides my daily schedule I asked myself if I wanted to keep it going. I could barely do it sometimes and did so with head pain, tired…on a cellphone hotspot a couple of times.

So many things I have not kept going — work, meditation, yoga, running…sickness, triggers, grief, and injuries all got in the way at times. But I am managing to keep up with writing. Something may happen tomorrow. But if so, it will still be here. It is so important to recognize and celebrate that I can do things, I can do something every day, I can write (even if not totally in complete sentences all the time), and I know this is going to happen, if I make it happen.

Writing has become a refuge. It is a place to be however one is. It takes energy. It can reveal patterns about our lives and the world, or just new ways of seeing. And it can be used as a tool and a gift. It can build neural pathways.

And if today is day 1, then great, do that, and notice how it feels.

 

Ever think about calling that friend you used to talk to or haven’t seen for a while? There really isn’t a reason you don’t call, you really wonder how they are doing and imagine it would be nice to catch up, but it just doesn’t happen. You live in your routine, and they theirs. You barely wonder if they think about calling you. It is as if a forcefield keeps us from doing something about it. Oh, sometime I should call, but then sort of fall asleep to it or forget about it for a while…kind of like when there is a software update and you just click cancel over and over and are managing an awkward series of tech moves to do your work, but you are now numb because it has become a habit.

We settle into routines quickly as humans, and so do dogs from what I can tell so this is to be acknowledged and respected. My dog used to potty by the fence between the house in the apartment. But then she moved from the house to my apartment. Recently I had an epiphany, as I would take her out and she would pee, but not do her doggie business there anymore, preferring to run up or down, to a new area and poo. Maybe it was too close to where we live and play now for her to poo there, or just the overall change in routines, but I am glad I started noticing…she changed. She just has these two other spots now that we go to, for the most part. The patterns are strong. The patterns can change.

Sometimes our friends stop coming around or stop calling due to life circumstance, and we are so busy with our lives we don’t even notice. We are in our own patterns so much. Or we may notice how we are in our same habits with friends or coworkers, despite imagining things could be different, and it either feels good or bad, and it is the same arguments or issues or routines, yet it feels like it has inertia. At this point, at least we would be seeing that there is a pattern instead of simply becoming blind or being numb to it.

There is a word for one explanation for this phenomenon of what could be called a status quo — we don’t we just call each other up out of the blue instead of texting, or just check in with each other more. (Though I have to say, this morning I received an unexpected chat message from a colleague I worked with who I have not seen in months and don’t regularly chat. You can bet I thanked him for reaching out and told him it was good to connect. I was pleasantly surprised to see another person moving beyond their patterns to connect.)

As our life situation changes, then let’s hope we can help bend and be awake enough to stay connected, also as others are facing life changes, such moving, career changes, health issues, or other life milestones. These life changes are disruptive to existing habits and support, so they are an opportunity for new patterns and connection. Or even in more day to say examples, going out of our patterns and habitual ways being is an opportunity to further a little connection and kindness at times in what feels like a world where people are mostly so concerned with themselves that we let the door close on each other at the gas station. The secret is that connection serves everyone involved, so it is always a win-win too.

Maybe it is fear or other emotions or uncertainties holding us back from changing our patterns, especially social ones, and that is simply a reality at times.

At the same time, it can be pretty easy to reach out and make a call or check in on someone you’ve been thinking about. Or hold a door. Or write a letter. Or share some food. Or appreciation someone for something.

 

 

What do I want to feel, experience, and create in my day?

What are the priorities?

What one or so thing am I committing to do today?

There are some things that are important, no matter what, such as eating, sleeping, connecting, and everything needed to have a working and sane body. Sometimes this takes more energy than others. Even more important than exercising. What if I have an injury? Even more important than my routine, which has often felt like the only stable thing, is to take time to make sure I also have everything my dog needs, and it isn’t too cold, and plan enough. What if my plans don’t work out, for one reason or another? And what if this happens over and over again to the point of not knowing what is important, trustworthy, or helping v hurting?

For me the answer is intention, and not what intention but intention itself. Many of us do some kind of routine or practice in the morning to center…I do myself, but what about when I can’t go to the yoga class, I cannot get to the trail, or I cannot do my running?

The daily practice and art of imagining your day, and even having an intention can create a magical new cycle, no matter what. An intention is something one can control; many other things are not, even though we often have the illusion that we will be able to do our morning jog, buy that cup of coffee, or have that monthly paycheck indefinitely.

Maybe nothing makes sense and the task of the day is survival. Or to be okay with something. Quiet down, sit, write, walk, or do whatever to listen. Maybe there is a word or a feeling, or a fully our phrase or image.

Intention setting can take a moment of complete despair and something totally unworkable and turn it into something that just is. And take a whole flat, world of canceled plans, and stopped conversations and turn it into a moment of beauty, connection, or even freedom.

So regardless of the form or the specifics, taking time to cultivate intention, even if it is simply to listen will add just the energy that is needed. Anyone can do it, and it doesn’t require special movements or an injury free body. This practice of creating intention and practicing throughout the day supports a focus for the day and the moment that can be as powerful and magical as anything else I have found. Plus it is totally compatible with religious and spiritual practices as far as I can tell.

Being able to have a focus even if for a moment, can change everything. It can even be so small or so survival-based — what matters is just being able to direct our energy somewhere, instead of just being stuck or random.

So whether it is a feeling, a sense, a word, or a full out story, consider the intention. Holding the intention helps us attend to what matters, and safeguards against distraction, busy-ness, and complexity.

And if you aren’t sure what an intention is or where to focus, then consider what feels healthy, whole, and good to you. Work with and observe that for a while.

I can’t stop thinking about resolutions, plans, goals, and purpose. Both the fact that many of my recent plans have not happened and the fact that winter and the new year is here are working on me.

New Years Resolutions don’t work or don’t make sense for many. I think this is because often either there are unrealistic expectations, or even needs, for change, and also because maybe we don’t know why we are doing, and it isn’t clear. We can’t dramatically change ourselves, at least most of us in a day, or even a month, and I think it is important to keep things realistic, and in the context of real life.

If you need more out of new year’s resolutions and goal setting, try this.

A key question for me is am I working on developing a practice or a project? And always think a little about why, either one, but that is another post.

A practice is something many people do for the sake of the practice and deepening it, and it could be anything from walking, music or other art, writing, breathwork, or mindfulness — some of my practices, and there isn’t a goal or “success”, or measurement of progress in the same sense of working to achieve something. The success is in the doing.

A project is something that is an outcome and has an endpoint so it can be clearly measured. It can be anything to achieve, including practices, more purposeful goals, or subtler focused outcomes, but it does have an outcome. For example, in my writing practice, I may be working on a project of a novel or a goal of 50,000 words within a month.

Contrast the writing project with a writing practice, where I may write as early in the day as possible to clear the mind and set intentions or freewrite, or may write in other forms, still desiring consistency or some kind of “progress” but it is more about the act and intention than anything more.

Other examples could be that I am doing fitness for mental health as a practice, which leaves open lots of options for what I can do to get my heart rate up, compared to working toward something more as a goal or project, such as completing a yoga class, or being able to run for 20 minutes a day, which is not more or less valuable than focusing on a practice.

There is a whole conversation about what to choose, what to focus on, and what sized habit to choose when you’re working through something whether initiated internally or seemingly by other forces. It is important to get some help with that if you can but any effort and intention will go a long way to holding space for yourself and contributing to the world.

So choose, practice, or project.

Get to know about why or the purpose, how or what values, principles, and what, or what it is you are doing, and from there the more granular actions will come. The entire act of working on your practice or project, as well as tracking it will change.

Tips for working on practices or projects. 

• Write down the outcome, or if there is a daily focus, at a minimum, if you don’t have another practice for working through personal projects, like Getting Things Done and the Natural Planning Model.
  • You can put this on a post-it where you will see it, or a project list, or a white board.
• Share it with someone, whether it is a friend, coach, yoga buddy, coworker, running group, or the internet.
• Plan and put it on your calendar.
  • Think about when and how much, and schedule what you can for the next week or month. Set a timer. Make an appointment.
• Set up a document or install app to track it, depending on your tracking desires such as project actions or practice consistency.
  • You can use a spreadsheet, or different apps, like coach.me if you don’t already have a way you like. Put a sticker on your whiteboard when you make your progress if nothing else!
• Reflect on about how it is going and adjust activities and time.
  • You can schedule this in too, as part of your regular time, and or add some special time each week or near the end of the month.
• Notice how you feel having done each of these things, and celebrate or feel something good.